Read Jim's Awesome Tax Day TEA Party Rally Speech Here!

Tactical Sandal for Lybia!  (a press release parody)
Thursday, March 31, 2011 at 5:41pm

The US military announced today a new high fashion footwear from the "Imperial President Collection" of ObamaGear; It's the M-69EE Tactical Sandal!

"The M-69EE, or Obfiscator, was fast-track developed for use in situations when a a President's own words have put in a box and he really, really needs to get something blown up overnight!"

"Conceived by lawyers and built in conjunction with Lockheed Martin, the Obfiscator is open toed (and therefore not a boot at all), elegant, without being pretentious, brash, but not rash, and comes in black and desert tone cammy!"

"The Obfiscator also boasts a "mine-resistant shank" and fully armored insole for maximum protection under battlefield, uh, I mean kinetic military (but totally humanitarian) conditions!"

"These killers are perfect for Covert Tactical Targeting Teams, or just for regular Marines waiting offshore for deployment!"

These sandals help a President say: "The hell with the Constitution, I'm trying to get re-elected Damn-it!" Price: Incalculable!

Incredible Breakthrough Announced!  (a wee bit of satire)
September 10, 2010

In a raucous joint press conference held today by the SEIU and The State Highway Administration, it was revealed that an incredibly compassionate and ergonomically pleasing device has been procured by the State. Suffice it to say it was a carnival-like atmosphere at the site of the announcement, situated on the banks of Podunk Creek, just west of tiny hamlet of Bumhunch Boro at state route 173. It is the location of “The Pedestrian Overpass to Overthere”, or POO; currently under construction with funding from the Federal Government’s “Community Re-investment, Pork Pie , and Boondoggle Act of 2009”. Repeated questions shouted by this reporter as to the need and efficacy of a bridge connecting two cow pastures went unanswered or unheard in the cacophonous fanfare. The goings-on were utterly ignored by the few grazing bovines, or presumed end users, in uncomfortably close proximity to the event.

Mr. Charles "Chuck" Podgorscowskiowitz, president of the Lazytown local 86 of SEIU spoke first saying: "Yea yous guys gotta check out this here ting what we jes got for the long handled tools. I'm tellin yous right now dis ting is gonna allow the boys to be able spend many more hours on da job in alot more comfort. It's gonna cut down on sick leaf and doctas visit like right now. In addition, da boys is gonna be able to put in alot more ovatime". (It’s not clear at the time of this printing what the device has to do with eggs).

The usual gaggle of State officials spoke on every manner of esoterica, employing enough self-horn tooting to form a brass band. The effect of which was to create a building tension and impatience within the ranks of the attendees to finally see the device in question.

At long last, Ms. Cheryl Kramer of The State Highway Administration unveiled the breakthrough with great aplomb to the now near salivating guests: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the M-678 or Shovel Handle Pad". Apparently, the Shovel Pad or M-678 is a device that adheres to the top of a shovel handle thus enabling the "leaner" or in government parlance: "situationally non-deployed gravel spreader unit" (human worker standing around, to you and me) to maintain that position for hours while the "new guy" does all the work. Ms. Kramer also said: "This incredible breakthrough is also going to greatly reduce the number of underarm rashes and chronic bruising typically suffered by our hard working people during the course of a full day of leaning while busily encouraging and cajoling the "new guy" learning his craft". She continued: "We were able to procure the units for $356.00 per pad and are in the process of getting them out into the field right now. We’re just waiting for the Teamsters strike to end in the next few weeks……..or months. I think it's just a win-win for everyone”. Questions regarding the fact that the M-678 appeared to be nothing more than a throw pillow with some duct tape wrapped around it also went unanswered.

Labor and efficiency experts we spoke with today said that with the implementation of this device, the M-678, it should be possible to increase the ratio of “leaners” to actual productive workers to an historic high of 4.7 to 1. The previous high of 4.6 to 1 was reached and maintained briefly in 1978 with the spontaneous breakthrough use of a wadded-up shirt, usually attributed to a Mr. Dewey Cheatem of Spongeville, Mo.